Parental Love
by xSweetiePiex
Summary: If there's one thing Ryan will never get, it's the connection between parents and love.
1. Hugs

**Hey! This is just a rather random story idea that popped into my head... it's kind of a one-shot, but I might add to this and make it a collection of one-shots, what do you think? Please read & review... it's not too long! Sorry! **

Ryan discovered many things early. He was what teachers called "gifted," but if you knew Ryan, you knew that was not something he considered himself to be. Observant? _Sure_. Lucky? _Of course_. But gifted? Not him.

Ryan's observance led him to learn early on the meanings of various signs of affection. At his house, when someone was being nice to you, they usually wanted something from you. A soft, gentle pat on the back soon led to a full on beating if you didn't comply with what was being asked of you. Hugs were rare, and usually drunken. More often than not, when a parent came in to "talk," not much of that was going on. It was tough. But Ryan was tougher.

The one thing he _could_ deal with was personal affection. He was what you'd call a "ladies man." Ever since his older brother, Trey, had made sure he had a "special" thirteenth birthday, losing his virginity, he had bounced from relationship to relationship. He seemed to know what women desired, and he wanted to give it to them. Ryan was good at this.

But that was Chino. Newport was different. He remembered just a few days ago, when Sandy had come in to wake him up. His foster father was sick with worry over his son, Seth, who had left early for "school" and couldn't be found. Ryan could not believe how comfortable he was with the man who, basically, saved his life. From his mom, from A.J., from jail, from Chino… But Ryan couldn't help but think of how that exact same scenario would've played out if he were in Chino with A.J. instead of Sandy.

_"Ryan… where is your no good brother?" A.J. would probably slur drunkenly._

_"I don't know." Ryan would answer. And for the smart mouth answer, he would probably earn himself a slap or a few punches, get into a fight, or worse._

Beatings were about the only physical signs of "affection" in Chino. Things were different here. Ryan remembered the first, awkward hug with Kirsten when they decided to become his legal guardians. He remembered the same forced awkwardness when he decided to take a job on the fishing boat. Smiling softly, he recalled the last time he shared a very motherly embrace with Kirsten at the Chrismukkah-Barvitzvakkuh. Ryan couldn't even believe he consented to Seth's crazy idea.

Sandy was also big on physical affection. Always stealing hugs with both Ryan and Seth, alike, Sandy wanted his boys to know he was there for them. It took Ryan a long while to get used to the gentle pats on the back and unexpected hugs. At first, he would flinch when anyone touched him. Once, he stole a glance at Sandy after one of these _incidences_ and the heartbroken look of almost sadness made Ryan feel so guilty. It wasn't his fault he had a hard time trusting anyone, but not wanting to upset his foster father, he adapted quickly, and soon didn't notice when he would give him hugs and the like. Actually, Ryan liked the attention, although he would never admit it.

Ryan was lucky, and he knew that. Sandy and Kirsten genuinely cared about him. Sometimes, Ryan wondered why either even bothered with him, the no-good, car stealing, troublemaking, fighting rebel from the wrong side of the tracks.

Until Ryan met Sandy, he didn't know it was possible to love and respect any authority figure, much less a man. But it was. And it felt good, being able to trust someone else. And knowing everything would be okay.

**And the verdict is? What do you guys think?**


	2. Confused

**I've decided to make this a series of one-shots. Here goes with my second.**

**This piece is a Ryan-Kirsten& Ryan-Sandywith a littleRyan-Seth. It takes place in Season One, a few weeks after Ryan moved in with the Cohens. Enjoy!**

Ryan opened his eyes, not sure of where he was. Those dreams, no _nightmares_, seemed so real at times. It was a bit unnerving. Biting his bottom lip gently, Ryan sat up in bed. He paused for a moment, recalling the events of the past few weeks. It had been pretty crazy. Stealing a car with his big brother. Getting arrested. Thrown into Juvie. Getting kicked out of his home. Having Mr. Cohen take him in. Burning down Mrs. Cohen's house. Back into Juvie again. Mr. Cohen taking him in again. Then the Cohen's becoming his legal guardians. _Wow_, he thought to himself, _My life could be a television show_. Laughing at his own joke, he sighed, _But who wouldbother towatch it?_

The Cohen's seemed so nice. Almost too nice. Especially Mr. Cohen. Ryan wondered what he _really _wanted sometimes. At least he didn't pick fights with Ryan.Not physical ones. Sandy only argued with him over what Ryan considered stupid things. Ryan remembered one of the few times Sandy raised his voice to him. And it was over a job. Ryan wanted to get a job to pay back the Cohens for all they gave to him already.

"Hey, Mr. Cohen." Ryan had greeted one night after dinner.

"Hey, Kid." Sandy motioned for him to sit next to him on the couch. "What can I do for you?"

"Um.. I was just wondering if I could get a job." Ryan began.

"You know what?" Sandy pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'd prefer you not too. Not right now. With school around the corner."

Ryan looked at him.

"Do you need more money? Because if that's what you need, then here's some." Sandy reached into his pocket and pulled out a wallet.

"No..." Ryan started. Sandy looked up at him. "I can't. You've already given me too much..."

"Ryan. Kirsten and I, we're your guardians. And, in fact, it's _our_ job to give you money. And tell you what to do." Sandy let out a small laugh. "Just tell me what you need, and we'll take care of it."

"Nevermind... forget it." Ryan just finished that conversation and left with some excuse about being tired. Sandy sighed. Ryan just confused him, sometimes.

But one thing Ryan didn't have to worry about wasSandy **_ever _**laying a hand on Kirsten or Seth. Sandyand Kirsten were justtoo lovey-dovey.Not having to think about that was a load off of Ryan's shoulders. He knew that if his foster father ever took a swing at his wife, he would step in. Just like he did when A.J. beat on his mom. A.J. wasn't even the strongest man, but when he pulled off his belt, Ryan knew better than to think he had a chance. Ryan was good at reading people who were angry, or drunk, or just plain mean. He wasn't as good at reading people who had pure intentions. Sandy just confused him, sometimes.

Then there was Seth. Seth talked a lot. Ryan wondered if the kid had ever really had to deal with anything. Seth complained a lot, too. But Ryan still liked him. He was nice and loyal. Those were two things that his own brother didn't think were important. Ryan also knew that the only reason the Cohens had taken legal guardianship of Ryan was because of Seth. He knew he would always be in debt to his brother. **_Brother_**. That term seemed so negative most of the time. In Ryan's experience at least. After all, it was because of his brother he was arrested… which led him to the Cohens. Maybe _brother_ wasn't that bad. Still, Seth just confused him, sometimes.

Mrs. Cohen was a whole different story. She didn't want him there. Ryan could tell when he wasn't wanted. If Chino taught him one valuable lesson about life (other than how to steal cars), it was to know when you weren't wanted, to know when you should just shut your mouth and accept what you get. That was how it was with Mrs. Cohen. He saw through her plastic smile and feigned interest. He knew that she didn't want him anywhere near her son, much less in her house. Yes, it was _her_ house. Not Mr. Cohen's, who took him in, who wanted him. Nope, it was _her's_. So Ryan did what he had to do. He tried his hardest to be invisible. He tried to be thankful and ask for the least amount possible.

"Hey, sweetie." Kirsten greeted as Ryan sat cautiously at the kitchen table.

"Hey." Ryan answered. Kirsten noticed his momentary paused and sighed lightly. Ryan's eyes were plastered to the floor and his demeanor made it clear that he was hoping not to be noticed. Ryan just confused her, sometimes. The kid acted like a guest in her house. No, not her house, **_their_** house. Ryan had to realize that he lived there, too, and it was as much his house as hers.

"Want something for breakfast? I could make something." Kirsten began. Ryan looked up at her. "Or I could order something, of course." Kirsten blushed. Maybe Ryan was settling in.

"No, it's fine. I'm not hungry." Ryan blurted out. "I'm sorry."

Kirsten looked up at him, not knowing exactly what to say.

"You don't have to do anything for me." Ryan almost mumbled. "I'm just gonna go… um… back to… the pool house."

Ryan left, and Kirsten couldn't help but hurt inside. _You don't have to do anything for me?_ What kind of thing was that to say? Of course she wanted to do things for him. Besides, this wasn't anything major. _Breakfast_. The kid won't even accept food.

But sometimes,Mrs. Cohen seemed...out of it. Drunk. He knew Kirsten drank. He saw the tell-tale signs. He could spot them a mileaway. And it was his fault. He was not only ruining Mrs. Cohen's life, but also the lives of her husband and son. _What is so wrong with me that Idrivepeople to drink that poison._Kirsten just confused him, sometimes.

What if Ryan never fit in? Would these feelings ever go away? How much longer till this picture perfect family realized what Ryan really was and kicked him out?

**Thanks for reading... Please review! (Thanks for all the reviews from last chapter... you've inspired me to continue this series of one-shots!)**


	3. Hallelujah

**Here's the next part! This chapter is a one-shot from mid-season 1. Hope you enjoy... read & review please!**

It had been a long day and Ryan was tired. School at Harbor had been challenging so far. Not really **hard**, per say, just challenging. He had been there for almost a semester, and he finally feltlikehe wasn't so behind. Ryan was actually getting rather good grades. This was surprising considering his mediocre grades in Chino. But Ryan was determined not to disappoint the Cohens, or more importantly, waste their money. That was a major issue with him. He knew that that school cost more money per year than Sandy probably made at his job working as a public defender. Ryan knew he could never pay the Cohens back. He even amused the idea of purposely failing the entrance exam to save his guardians' money, but decided against it. It had taken a lot of thinking, but Ryan decided that disappointing the Cohens by failing the test would be worse than spending the tuition money for Harbor. Dragging his feet into the Cohen family house, he plopped down on the couch next to his foster brother, Seth.

"Hey, dude." Seth started. "Wanna play some video games?"

"I got homework, man." Ryan answered. He yawned slightly.

"I see, I see. You don't wanna play. You aren't up to the competition right now. Man, you look tired. I understand" Seth replied. "But, come on… homework? Ryan, you don't have to lie. And even if you do, I know that you can come up with a better one. Oh, I know, you're going to go out with Marissa… or maybe someone else… who are you seeing now, Ryan? Homework, come on…" Seth scoffed.

Ryan glared at him. He _wasn't _lying. He really **_did_** have homework left to do. Actually, he had homework that he was purposely putting off. It was a psychology assignment. Right now, Ryan was regretting the decision to take Advanced Placement Psychology. The class had been studying family dynamics and the students had an assignment to write an essay based on their own personal family roles and dynamics. _"Great," _Ryan had thought when they got the assignment. _"Just great!"_ His sarcasm wasn't going to help get the paper done, though.

"No, I really do. Have homework, I mean."

"Yeah, whatever." Seth responded facetiously.

"I'll be in the pool house if ya need me, ok?" Ryan left for the confident solitude of the pool house without waiting to hear an answer. He pushed open the door and let himself fall on his neatly made bed. He didn't want to do this. He rolled on his stomach and pulled out a composition notebook he used for psychology class. He ran his fingers lightly over the leather-bound cover and closed his eyes.

He was 7 years old when he got his first notebook. It had cardboard backing and was bright blue. The spirals seemed to be sterling silver. Ryan remembered the day Trey had given it to him. It was the day after one of the worst beatings of Ryan's life. His father came home completely plastered and just wailed on little Ryan. Ryan remembered crying himself to sleep. He remembered Trey giving him the notebook as a "get well" present, only Trey had called it a "shut up and stop crying" present. Ryan didn't know it at the time, but Trey had stolen the notebook from the local grocery store. It wouldn't have mattered, though. Ryan loved the notebook. He drew pictures and wrote out his homework. He even wrote a few poems, although he would never tell anyone that, ever. The notebook was his most prized possession. It was something that was only his… no one could look at it, or take it. In a way, the tattered blue notebook _was_ Ryan. It represented his vulnerabilities, his strengths, his hope, his life in his own hands. A small part of Ryan died the day his mom found it and ripped it up in a drunken rage.

Ryan opened his eyes. Was this what he wanted to write about? The craziness of his old life? Would he write about his mother getting drunk and kicking him out? How about his mom's boyfriends hitting him? Or what about his father's prison record?

He thought about it for a second. Surely, he couldn't write about the Cohens, could he? They would be mad. Ryan wasn't their son; Sandy and Kirsten weren't his parents.

"Welcome to the family" "You're a Cohen, now…" 

The words played over and over in his head. Could they really want him? Surely, they couldn't. Not with the kind of past he had. Ryan didn't want to give them the ammunition to kick him out by writing a school assignment about them being his family. But they'd never see it, so what would be the harm?

Still, Ryan wasn't totally sure. Pulling out a black pen, he pushed the tip hard into the paper of the notebook and began writing. He just kept writing and writing. One word led to another, which led to another. The day dragged on and on. Soon, it was dinner. Kirsten and Sandy had returned home from work and Ryan heard a knock on the door.

"Hey, kid. Dinner's ready." Sandy opened the door.

"Um, I'm not really hungry." Ryan didn't want to stop writing for anything. Not when he had so much done already and wanted to finish.

"Are you okay?" Sandy approached. This wasn't like Ryan to just skip meals.

"Yeah, just finishing up some homework." Ryan indicated his notebook.

"Well, why don't you just come back to that after dinner?" Sandy's tone left no room for argument.

"Yes, sir." Ryan's eyes dropped and he put down the notebook, letting his gaze linger an extra second.

Sandy reached his arm around the boy and led him towards the kitchen. Ryan was so hard to read at times. Sandy was sure that Ryan thought he was mad at him now even thoughhe wasn't. He just wanted him to eat. There were some clues that Ryan wasn't too good at hiding. For example, his eyes. If anyone could convey an entire conversation using just their eyes, it was this kid. Sometimes his cerulean eyes were clear as the night. Sometimes, they were hazy and confused. And sometimes, they held a certain fear. There was nothing Sandy wouldn't give to spend just a moment inside the head of the kid he loved so much.

After dinner, Ryan returned to the pool house to finish up his paper.

Ryan Atwood

Period 5

**AP Psychology Family Dynamics**

The dictionary defines "family" as a fundamental social group in society typically consisting of one or two parents and their children. But, for me, "family" means much more. It means being there for each other, helping each other out, loving each other. It's an unconditional promise to never turn your back on one another. It's that feeling of security and protection you get knowing you are not alone in life.

_I've heard there was a secret chord  
That David played, and it pleased the Lord  
But you don't really care for music, do you?  
It goes like this  
The fourth, the fifth  
The minor fall, the major lift  
The baffled king composing Hallelujah_

I never really had a family. My father was arrested when I was pretty young for armed robbery. I never could please him. Neither could my mother. That's probably why he was abusive… because we weren't good enough._  
_  
_Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

My brother was the only one who ever looked out for me. We were not even that close, though. I wish we had been more like brothers. We often fought. He even got me arrested once. Thankfully, I got a very good lawyer.

_  
Your faith was strong but you needed proof  
You saw her bathing on the roof  
Her beauty  
in the moonlight  
overthrew you  
She tied you  
To a kitchen chair  
She broke your throne,  
she cut your hair  
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah_

Then there was mom. She was a train wreck. I remember when I was young, she would take me to the park and we would play. She was so beautiful, young, and vibrant. I loved her. And she loved me. She started drinking alcohol constantly and doing drugs. When not busy with her string of abusive boyfriends, my mom shot up cocaine. She never really could keep a job.

Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Then there is me. I don't even know how to describe myself and my role in the family, especially since I don't even live with them anymore. Dad and Trey are in prison. Mom kicked me out.

_  
Maybe I've been here before  
I know this room, I've walked this floor  
I used to live alone before I knew you  
I've seen your flag on the marble arch  
love is not a victory march  
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah_

Some type of higher power must have been looking down on me fondly because following my arrest with my brother; the Cohens took me in and became my legal guardians. _  
_

_  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah _

Living with them has opened up so many doors. They are the only real family that has ever been nice to me. Maybe someday, I'll be lucky enough to be considered part of their family._  
_

_  
There was a time you'd let me know  
What's real and going on below  
But now you never show it to me do you?  
Remember when I moved in you?  
The holy dark was moving too  
And every breath we drew was hallelujah  
_

But, I'm afraid that I have only caused problems in the Cohen's household. I cannot even find my place here. I am not the "perfect" child, I am not even _their _child.

_  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah _

Since I am living with them currently, I feel I mustmention themin my essay. They have done so much for me, and all I have managed in return are problems. I am the white trash from the wrong side of the tracks._  
_

_  
Maybe there's a God above  
And all I ever learned from love  
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you  
It's not a cry you can hear at night  
It's not somebody who's seen the light  
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah_

Maybe that's my only role. Maybe, in this perfect family, I am just an outsider, an onlooker longing to be part of the activity.

Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

After a few more hours of proofreading, Ryan finally curled up in bed and felt a little bit better. After all, the paper was done… and he had successfully avoided being kicked out of the Cohens'... at least, for one more night.

**Please Review! Thanks!**


	4. In Thought Only

**Hey! Here's the next one-shot! It's called "In Thought Only" and is set Mid-Season 1. Hope you enjoy!**

After a long, hard day at school, Ryan threw his backpack onto his bed and plopped down next to it. Everything was happening so fast here. Nothing was ever quiet or serene. There was always some kind of drama. But that was okay, even though Ryan hated drama. He was just thankful to be living with the Cohens, to have a place to stay, and have a place to call "home."

Thinking about it, Ryan practically concluded that he was lucky his mom threw him out. That made him laugh a little. Imagine that. Being lucky someone kicked you out. But, he was. He could remember how fearless he had pretended to be when he punched A.J. Maybe he was being stupid. He really couldn't remember the reason he took a swing at that man. He remembered grabbing his backpack and taking off on his bike. He rememberedcalling so many people, who all let him down. Then he remembered the one person who didn't: Sandy.

In fact, since Ryan had been staying with the Cohens, Sandy had never let him down. Unlike his own father, Sandy seemed to care. According to the dictionary, father means a person who holds an important or distinguished position. His own father sure didn't do that. Oh, yeah… he robbed a bank. Right now, the only "distinguished" position he was holding was in a cell – a jail cell. Sandy had already done more than his own father had ever done for him. Ryan respected Sandy more than he'd ever know. But why would Sandy want Ryan as a "son"?

Even Kirsten, as reserved as she had been around him, was more of a mom than his own. Sure, his mom conceived and gave birth to him, but that was practically it. She never stepped up to bat for him, or even gave him the basic necessities for life. Ryan wanted Kirsten to accept him, but he was afraid. He didn't know if he could handle rejection from another mother. What was so wrong with him that nobody wanted to take care of him? These thoughts made him feel weak and vulnerable, which wasn't how he wanted to feel. He could take care of himself. He had done it for so long, he could keep doing it. He didn't care what Kirsten thought of him. Except that... he did.

Seth was a real brother to Ryan. So much more than Trey had ever been. A brother looks out for you, always has your back. Quite possibly, Seth was also one of Ryan's first real friends. A real friend meaning someone who doesn't always want something back from you, someone who won't use you at their disposal. Ryan had friends like that. Ryan had enough friends who just wanted him to deal with drugs and guns and violence. Ryan was done with that. And he knew that Seth wouldn't be the one who dragged him into a criminal situation. Ryan could trust Seth. And that was more than he could say about Trey.

The term "guardians" seemed too cold, too distant to describe what Sandy and Kirsten were to him. They did so much more than just watch over him. They loved him, protected him… ToRyan, if in thought only, Sandy and Kirsten would be his parents. But he could never tell them how he felt. How would they react to a teenage delinquent from Chino telling them he cared about them? Maybe they would think he was dangerous. Maybe they would think he was crazy. Or, maybe… just maybe, they would tell him they felt the same way. They would tell him that they wanted him to be part of their family permanently. Maybe… he was just being naïve. Living in Newport made him soft. It made him have dreams, have hopes. Maybe he didn't belong after all.

Ryan quickly realized that being loved is like a drug. Once you get a taste of it, you never want to feel the bitter emptiness of rejection. Having a family is infectious. Ryan thought he was strong enough to survive alone, only have to worry about himself. It takes a strong man to live alone, in a cold world. But, it takes a stronger man to be a part of a family.

**Please Review!**


	5. Big Time Trouble

**This is the next part... it takes place in mid-season 1... enjoy! And Please Review!**

He had done it again. Somehow, Ryan always managed to get himself into trouble. This time, though, it was serious. He ditched class. He didn't even know why he had done it. It wasn't like there was any type of test or project, he just… couldn't take it anymore. He needed to get some fresh air. This wasn't like him at all. Silently cursing himself, he sat in the office waiting for Sandy to get him. A teacher had found him sneaking back on campus. To make it worse, he had a cigarette wedged between his lips. That was sure to add the icing on the cake of anger Sandy would surely have baking for him. For a few fleeting moments, Ryan contemplated just taking off. Running Away. He didn't need the Cohens anymore. Except, of course, that he did. He cared so much about them… but how did he repay them? By getting in trouble.

Ryan sighed as he saw a very irritated Sandy approach the office. His eyes bore into the slouching Ryan as he passed without saying a single word. For a moment, Ryan was overwhelmed with fear, like Sandy would rip off his belt and whip him with it right there. Immediately, Ryan chastised himself for these thoughts. Sandy would never hurt him… and he knew that.

After what seemed to be hours, Sandy emerged from the office, and he looked significantly angrier. He sighed loudly and said, "Car. Now." His voice left no room for argument, and Ryan's previous resolve to bolt was no out of the question. His knees were practically jello as he made his way to the car. He had never seen Sandy so angry. At least not at him. If this were A.J., Dawn, or one of the myriads of her other boyfriends, Ryan wouldn't have thought twice about getting in trouble. They would have hit him either way… he might as well deserve the beating he was going to get.

But, this was different. He cared about Sandy. He trusted him. But, most importantly, he respected him. Sandy was the first man Ryan ever tried to impress. He wanted more than anything to prove to Sandy that he was worth the unbelievable shot he had given him. And look what he was doing now. Smoking. Ditching class. Ditching the incredibly expensive, private school class. What was he thinking? How could he be so stupid? The mental thrashing Ryan was inflicting on himself was perhaps worse than anything A.J. could have done.

These thoughts raced through his head on the way to the car. He climbed in and buckled his seat belt. He situated himself as far away from his guardian as possible, his eyes glued to the scenery outside the Range Rover window. Sandy glanced over at him once, trying desperately to catch his eye. He wanted to see what was going in inside this kid's head. What was he thinking? And smoking, as well? Hadn't they made it clear that smoking was not allowed in their house?

Soon, they were at the Cohen's house. Ryan had not looked over at Sandy once the entire car ride. Ryan slowly, and deliberately unbuckled his seatbelt, opened the door, and made his way towards the house, mentally taking one last picture of it, just in case he would be kicked out tonight.

Sandy, regardless of his anger, saw Ryan do this. Immediately, he knew what must have been going through his head. He couldn't believe that Ryan would still think that they would kick him out after so long. Didn't he understand that their love was unconditional?

Ryan walked through the main entrance and continued on, going straight to the pool house. Sandy wasn't sure if he should go in right away. There were some things they needed to talk about. Sure, Sandy was angry, but maybe some of that anger was a good thing. Ryan needed to know what he did was wrong. And Sandy knew that he would never be angry to the point of hurting Ryan… physically or even verbally.

Kirsten was out of town. That made everything ten times harder. She had some business to attend to out in Boston. Maybe if she were there, things would run smoother. With or without her, though, Sandy had to get to the bottom of this.

Sandy knocked on the pool house door, but didn't wait for a response to enter. Ryan was lying on the bed, but seeing the man, pulled himself up to a sitting position. The two locked eyes for only a moment, before Ryan focused on a spot on the floor.

"I'm speechless." Sandy started, gently. "Ryan, I really am." His voice began to rise. "Skipping school? Smoking?"

"I just…" Ryan tried to get a word in edge-wise, but Sandy cut him off.

"You just what?" Sandy's voice was sharp and piercing. "Just thought you could skip class and it didn't matter?" Ryan didn't even try to say anything. "No… you are going to answer me!"

Ryan looked dumbfounded at him. "I … I don't know." Ryan sounded defeated. Sandy started to speak, but stopped. Maybe he was being too hard on the kid.

"I know that this is… new for you. You're still adjusting. We all are. But, know this. You can't just take off when things get hard." Sandy's voice was markedly calmer.

"I know." Ryan started. "I'm sorry."

"Well, sorry not going to cut it this time, kid." Sandy made eye contact. Ryan was just happy he was calling him "kid" again. That was better than the malicious, spit out form of "Ryan" he had used not too long ago. "You've been suspended."

Ryan looked up at him, "How long?"

"Just today." Ryan let out the breath he didn't even know he was holding. "But that's just from school. There will be other consequences as well."

Ryan held his breath. This was it. He imagined the conversation they would have:

_Sandy: I'm sorry Ryan. I guess things just didn't work out…_

_Ryan: What do you mean?_

_Sandy: You know darn well what I mean. I want you… and your stuff out of here by tomorrow morning._

_Ryan stands silent_

_Sandy: Oh, and Ryan? Here's a parting gift :Sandy punches Ryan square in the jaw: I never want to see you again._

Lost in his thoughts, Ryan heard Sandy continue. "Especially for smoking. You know how we feel about smoking, Ryan. Ryan?"

"Sorry."

"No smoking. Period. If you need help quitting, I can get you some help…" Sandy was now more concerned than mad.

"No… really. I'll stop."

"Okay." Sandy placed a hand on Ryan's knee, and patted it lightly. Ryan seemed so uncomfortable with this gesture. Sandy sighed, and continued, "You know… I care about you, kid. I just don't want anything to happen to you."

"Yeah, I know." Ryan started.

And he did.

**So... what do you think? Please review!**


	6. Cut From The Same Deck

**Wow… it's really been too long. I'm so sorry I've been neglecting this story. Well, without further ado… here's the next chapter.**

**This takes place in Season 1. It's a Ryan introspective type piece, where he's thinking back to when he first came to live with the Cohens and his changing relationship with his foster father. **

**For the first time ever I'm writing this in Ryan's P.O.V. So… tell me if you like it, ok? I'm trying to be flexible in my writing and grow and learn and try new things!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own The O.C. nor am I making any money off of this.**

**Please Review!**

Cut From The Same Deck 

**Ryan's P.O.V.**

I remember one of the first things Sandy said to me.

"_We're cut from the same deck, Ryan."_

I remember rolling my eyes at him and thinking "You have got to be kidding me." I remember being convinced that Sandy was just like every other adult in my life. Full of lies. Full of deceit. Who cares what you say to some juvenile delinquent from Chino? Who cares what happens to him at all? At least, that's how I felt.

Which was precisely the reason why I acted the way I did when I was in Juvie. Like a smart ass. Reflecting back on all that I said to Sandy that day, I almost can't help but laugh about it. I was sure that my tough façade was inscrutable. I mean, for years I had fooled everyone I was around that I was tough… my mom, my teachers, my friends. I was from Chino. You had to be tough to survive. So I was. Apparently Sandy saw through my pretentious little performance. He was the first person to do that. In reality, I was just scared. Dead scared. Scared that I be put in lock up. More scared that I would end up back at home. Scared that A.J. would hurt mom. Or me. Hell, I was even scared of Sandy. At least a little bit, not that I'd ever tell him that, even now. Well, more defiant than scared. I guess I just had a big chip on my shoulder. I guess I just wasn't all too comfortable with any male authority figure in my life, since most of the other ones had been abusive.

Sometimes, it's still hard to believe that Sandy and Kirsten can really care about me. I still consider myself the Chino Charity Case. Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

Sandy's probably the first man I ever respected enough to listen to… I mean, _really_ listen to. I know I frustrate him sometimes when he doesn't understand what I do or why I do it. I know that sometimes he thinks he doesn't get through to me, but he'll probably never know how much I hate disappointing him. And that look in his eye when he's pissed at me.

And I can tell. _Boy_, can I tell. Like during the whole Oliver debacle. I can take yelling. No doubt about that. I've been yelled at so much, I'm practically immune to it. I can even take some punches. I've been hit with belts, sticks, cords, … but Sandy's disappointment hurts more than mom's shattered beer bottles thrown at me in pure anger. They hurt more than A.J.'s beatings. And dad's drunken slurs.

I remember when Sandy told me, "When this is over, you'll wish we kicked you out…" about my punishment for breaking into the file room. I don't think that's possible, actually. Because I trust the Cohens enough to understand that whatever punishment they hand out is more than well deserved. While Seth will argue any punishment, I try not too. Because, even when they're mad, Kirsten and Sandy would never intentionally hurt me. At least, I'm pretty sure. They haven't yet, and I've messed up pretty bad.

Perhaps Sandy and I are "cut from the same deck." I mean, other than Seth, he's probably one of the few people who understand me the most. He can see through what I do and say, I figure out what I really _mean._ That scares me sometimes, though. I'm not used to people taking time to figure me out, so to speak.

I wonder what Sandy's childhood was like. He's mentioned that he took off from home when he was 16. He said that his father walked out on the family, and his mom worked a lot. But, that's just the basics. The stuff you could read about in a personal file. Much like the one I have. I'm sure the Cohens have it now. You know, the one where it talks about legal issues. Arrests. Abuse. Foster homes. I try not to think about it too much because it's _my_ life… my dirty little secrets lying completely exposed for anyone to see.

I hope that Sandy doesn't have that kind of a file. I'm not sure why, but the thought of anyone hurting him scares me. I want to think he's invincible. I want to think _I'm_ invincible.

The last thing I remember of my old life is Sandy driving up saying, _"I told ya, you could've done worse."_

Wow, what an understatement.

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